There is so much on my mind. So many thoughts running from my left brain to right and back again. I feel constraint and uptight lately. I flare up over the slightest remarks and go into rage mode more often that I should. I feel stuck and that feeling sucks. It feels like I am walking on quicksand with my feet deeply embedded in. All I can do is hope I don’t sink some more in.
I wished someone could help me or maybe my definition of help is too much for my friends to bear. Most have already left. My family members aren’t the best listeners and I know my petite problems are minor compared to theirs too. Perhaps just like my Chinese name, 贵雄 suggests, seeking for benefactors comes at an expensive price. Not necessarily involving money but time, commitments to a friendship and tolerance.
Don’t go away thinking I hate my Chinese name. It was given to my paternal grandfather and it’s meaning is otherwise.
I feel very restless like there is nothing to look forward to in life. And no I have no plans to end my life if you’re thinking that way. Perhaps I have been seeking for another companion since the last one left. As much as my egoistic side refuses to admit, that episode still haunts me till today. As much as I like to joke about it when people ask and shrug it off after that, deep down I wonder how I endured daily bickering now if we are still together right now but the damage has been done. I can fool the whole world but I can’t fool myself. The problem lies with me and I can blame no one for my own downfall.
There’s no point turning back time and besides, that person is already married with someone else. Happily I hope.
In between these two years gap, I did try dating again and again and a few agains. Although there were some sparks, the chemistry just wasn’t there. It never last. I seek and seek until I met Eyecandy. Now I only had so few eye candies or someone that I fancy and this Eyecandy stands out. Honestly I don’t find Eyecandy super attractive and if I were to compare a list of close friends I have, I wouldn’t choose Eyecandy to confide my secrets in. But yet, I like Eyecandy or in fact like is an understatement and judging from the things I am willing to do for one person, I speak acts of service as my love language.
When I’m in love the whole will know. Not because I write on public domains but because I start to ignore them. It’s like I cut off myself from the world and confine in one. I have been very unwilling to meet other people and I stop listening to their problems or coming to them when they need help. Even blogging and managing the photos in my camera and hard drive can wait for another day. Something unheard of in the past.
I wish I could tell Eyecandy this: Everything else is secondary but only you are my priority. But just like the term suggest, it is only but a one sided love. By the way, I did not copy that quote from some love website. I conjured it myself on one night telling a close friend about this person that could enchant me. I know I am not some prince charming and words of comfort doesn’t always soothe Eyecandy’s frequent troubled mind. I cannot ask for much but just knowing my Eyecandy is safe and happy is good enough for me. I can be content with that.
Come to think of it, I don’t seemed to be troubled by so many stuffs. I just needed to confide and confess just that one. It’s already second day of Chinese New Year. I think I shall go to bed dreaming of my Eyecandy just like every other night.